Late October

Sometimes i get this feeling of anxiety, which is painful. I talk to my mother every day. Every day I hear the same things which make me despair. I hear how she fall apart, and I hear how desperate she is. Full of fear. Fear because she is reaching the end. The time that always seemed so far away.

It makes me think all these years I have only seen her once or twice a year and it make me sad.

Then I feel guilty not to be closer to my kids, my family. And in these times it feels worse than ever to have this distance between. I fear covid, I am scared when I hear my kids are sick. I worry when I hear about their problems. I am anxious for what happens in the world, and my brain are working overtime at the moment. I feel dragged between these two countries.

I just don't know what to do.

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, it feels like it is a strangers face looking back. It feels like all of sudden I am getting old. All of sudden the time I did fear is here.

It's like, everything is falling to pieces...all of sudden